Through this saga with my daughter and Greg, I have not always done the right thing. I made mistakes that need to be forgiven.
1. I described Greg’s music as “drivel” with a couple of other choice adjectives that was tremendously meanspirited and designed to hurt. This was not a Biblical way to act and I am sorry and ashamed.
2. I was bitter and angry in my post about My Conversation with the Maid of Honor. I was vicious to Agatha. Although that conversation probably was the lowest moment of the entire six month ordeal, I do not have the right to belittle her and be so mean. I am sorry and ashamed. So that I cannot be accused of changing history and for the authenticity of this story, for the time being, I feel it is right to keep the post up. But if Lucy and Greg or Agatha want me to remove it, I will.
3. The Toast to the Family of the Groom, written on the same day as Agatha’s referenced above, was also a low point in the story. I am sorry that I referred to Greg in such a derogatory fashion.
These things I know i did wrong. In my anger, there were also times that I was not exactly the person I would like to be, but I cannot pinpoint anything specific att his writing.
I had one conversation with Greg’s father. I was trying to get him to see that his allowing Greg and Lucy to live together under their roof was enabling them to live in sin together. I explained to him that we disapproved of this. We asked him not to enable our daughter to do something that was, in our opinion, not in her best interest. He refused. I am sure he was uncomfortable at our position. However, I do not know if there was anything I did or said that I would really regret and change. I asked the person who I believed was enabling our daughter to continue to sin with a man she was not married to, to stop enabling them. I had one conversation. At the end of the conversation he said he would speak to me again in a day or two. I called him about 6-8X in the course of the next 2-3 months and he never would return my messages or accept my calls. His wife, however, repeatedly hung up on me, refused to speak to me and was very mean to me. I had legitimate issues to discuss with what turned out to be my in laws and they wouldn’t give me the time of day. That hurts.
My call to Tessy and Agatha two days before the wedding was to ask Tessy if she would help to mediate and arrange a meeting between Lucy and I before the wedding. I told her that Lucy was off her meds and that I didn’t think she should make such an enormous decision under those circumstances. Calling them was the very most I did to try to intervene beyond the confines of this blog. I don’t know if I did anything wrong there but if i did I don’t see it right now. The conversations aren’t real clear to me; I just remember that I cried alot. It is possible that I did something wrong, but again I do not know what.
Lucy and Greg seem to feel that I persecuted them for the past seven months. I don’t see it. I see how our objecting to their getting married was miserable for them. I see that it might have been easier for them if we had just gone along with everything without question or advice. But I would not have been true to myself and to my beliefs and to my committment to Lucy had I done that.
Lucy and Greg feel that I terrorized them. While I am sorry that they feel this way, I cannot see that I terrorized them. Reviewing the emails, I see a mother who wanted what was best for her daughter and believed that her choice to marry Greg was not the best choice. As any caring and loving mother would do, I wrote to her and explained why, in different ways and different words with different examples at different times. All of this was ultimately rejected. All of this caused them pain and confusion. I acknowledge that. But confronting someone on what you think they are doing wrong is not going to win you any popularity contests. I did not do it to cause them pain. I did it because ultimately I hoped my advcie would be heeded and she would see what I was saying. That didn’t happen. But to be called a terrorist because I expressed my concerns, fears, and wisdom is not reasonable or just.
If Greg and Lucy were not being victimized for the past 7 months, then what was going on?
This is how I see the answer to that question right now. I see through a glass darkly. I may see more tommorrow oer next month or next year. But what I see today is this:
I rejected Greg too soon in the relationship. This was the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF ALL!!!! If I could change anything about the past 7 months, it would have been to get to know him better and deeper before I told him that fateful night that “they didn;t necessarily have to marry just because they were going to be parents together” which then led to the whole unequally yoked thing and the whole rejection. It is a terrible thing to be rejected. Terrible. Especially when Greg saw himself as someone who had been really good to Lucy, taking care of her and all.
I am sorry that I was so quick to judge Greg and that I didn’t take the time to spend more time and learn more about him and get to understand him better before we decided he wasn’t the right person for Lucy.
The issues we have raised are and were legitimate. About his ability to provide for Lucy, given Greg’s chronic illness and the toll it has taken on him and the financial costs of it, etc, etc. I am not taking back my concerns or fears; I am entitled to them. And it was my responsiblity to communicate them to my daughter. But I am saying that I wish I had gotten to know him better and established more of a context and relationship with him in the beginning.
When I put up the posts about the difference between believers and unbelievers and the fact that a non-believer who is never redeemed will spend eternity in hell, I was speaking out of my own personal convictions. Those posts reflect my understanding from the Bible. I understand that you believe it is intolerant and antisemitic and wrong. You are entitled to your opinion. I respect your right to have your own opinion that is different than mine. Can we agree to disagree on our interpretation of the Bible?
I have never questioned Lucy’s salvation.
This blog was intended to be several things.
1) a way for me to channel my pain in a health manner;
2) a way to avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding because its harder to misconstrue something in black and white;
3) to document this struggle for the future
4) to communicate with Greg and Lucy when they asked me to stop sending them emails (because they could then choose if they wanted to read what I was writing)
and this is not in any particular order of importance. I think the blog has been a healthy expression. I know it has impacted others who are going through similar things. I have no way of knowing whether or not it has been helpful for Greg and Lucy to see the evolution of my acceptance of their union. I think so and hope so.
I am open to being confronted with anything else that I did that was wrong. Specifics are fair to request because statements like “you were a terrorist” may reflect your feelings about me but without substantive and concrete examples, I am at a loss to fix it.
Going forward:
I believe we need to establish firm boundaries to have a healthy relationship.
I have no intentions of trying to split you up now that you are married. Despite what I may have said to the contrary in the past, I do not feel that is the right thing to do now.
I will not raise any issues whatsoever that are negative about Greg and Luct’s choice to marry.
I will respect their marriage and family and act in a supportive and loving manner to help them to uphold the sanctity of their vows.
If Lucy comes to me with issues she is having with Greg (like any and every newlywed everywhere), I will not put Greg down in any fashion whatsoever and only say or do things that will help her to be a better wife.
I believe as I sit here tonight that I can keep these boundaries. If I breach them, then I would ask that you tell me how I have hurt you so that I can seek forgiveness and stop.
