Congratulations, Dr. and Mrs. Bushkoff.
What a happy day this must be for you. Finally, you have found a beautiful young girl to pawn your middle age chronically ill, drug addict son off on. She is perfect. She makes you look great. She speaks well, was educated well and is delightfully charming. Be sure to bury her need to take psychiatric medications and her failure to complete high school or college. No one has to know. Besides, those pills she was prescribed and those panic attacks and bouts of depression were only because of her crazy family. Now that she has the Bushkoffs, she will have all the love and support she never got and she will be just fine. (All those studies that show that mental illness is a biochemical disease just like diabetes are just gobbedly gook-doctors are hardly ever right, anyway…)
And you must be so pleased …what a nice Jewish girl she is. Oh, what did you say…she believes in Jesus…oh, not for long. Don’t worry, I know you will straighten her out. You will get her to believe in Bushkoff-ion religion because it is so much easier to make up the rules as we go along than to try to follow someone elses, especially God’s with all those Shalls and Shall nots..its so much cleaner our way.
We just want you to know how impressed we are that since your son impregnated Lucy out of wedlock by telling her he had a low sperm count (and wasn’t she so sweet to believe him) which, ofcourse, precluded her from finishing her college degree, that you, the good Dr. and the Mrs. have accepted the financial responsiblity of providing for Lucy and the baby.
Since you condone this union so thoroughly, it is heartwarming to know that you have put your money where your mouth is by also committing to paying for the food, rent, utilities, cell phone, insurance, taxes, restaurants, (note: you know how much your Greggy loves to eat out in expensive restaurants) gasoline, transportation (note: Lucy believes public transportation is taking cabs) diapers, clothes (note: Lucy only wants her child to wear this season’s BabyGap and that is four seasons per year, by the way), the nursery, pediatrician, gymnastics, karate, basketball, swimming, summer camps, music lessons, Ipods, Iphones, Itunes, gameboys, gamegirls, video games, DVDs, a new wardrobe from Nordstrom’s every season for Mom, trips for Mom to travel around seeing her favorite band (and the band’s manager, an old friend) private schooling and ofcourse, lets not forget, private college and then the traditional setting your grandchild up in a business fee.
And just think, you only have to pay for all of this through November of 2025. childhood goes so quickly, unless ofcourse the child inherits your son’s and daughter in law’s mental illness and addictions in which case you could be supporting him until he is 37 or until you can find a rich family to pawn him off on. Isn’t it great people are living so much longer these days? By the way, how old are you now, Dr. Bushkoff?
That is, unless, Greggy makes it big in the music business. And he is so talented. All those lyrics so reminscent of the 70′s. Youjust gotta love ‘em because James taylor and Elton John and Bruce Springsteen really didn’t do it that well, now, did they? When your Greggy is a famous rock star, he will be taking care of all us, won’t he?
While your son Greg did oh so well in the wife category, we know you are a bit disappointed in those new in-laws. Not exactly what you ordered. But them you were a bit rushed for time and his illness and all, I know you wanted him to be happy, so compromises were necessary. Trying to get that Protection from Abuse Order (just because the judge said that canceling Lucy’s health insurance and taking away her cell phone and credit card does not equal abuse doesn’t mean you didn’t make your point) from them just weeks before the wedding was not exactly in your ideal game book. But just think of all that sympathy mileage you got out of being able to tell everyone you meet that your future ”in laws are so crazy that we had to file a restraining order..”
But here is my advice on how to deal with them. The way the Bushkoffs deal with anything and everything unpleasant…ignore it. Bury it. If you deny it, it will go away. Just hang up on them whenever they call you and I am sure they will eventually get the message.
Enough advice…Let’s toast to your beautiful new daughter! To Lucy! To Greg! To Baby Benjamin! (wait a second, isn’t that the name of one of those in-laws kids? What the…?)
Mazel Tov! To your son’s good health! (ooops…sorry…)