I love Lucy. She will always be my beautiful first born baby girl. I wanted a baby girl more than anything in the world, except maybe not as much as I wanted to marry Jake. I prayed for a baby girl from the time I was a little girl. I tried with all my might to give her all the things that I thought were missing in my childhood. Some of those things backfired and she now resents. Like, the gorgeous dresses. When I was a child, my mom picked out the most ugly clothes imaginable. So, it was going to be different for my girls. So I scoured Boston for the most beautiful, expensive dresses and scraped to buy them. Many I made by hand, hand-smocking for weeks.. But I later learned that the girls hated those dresses. Go figure. How was I to know that the very thing I was trying to give them that had been denied me was something they would later bitterly resent. Welcome to motherhood.
Photographs. I used to spend hours and hours studying my family’s photograph albums wishing and waiting and trying to find a beautiful artistic portrait that would perfectly capture the essence of my childhood. Although there were a few favorites here and there that have become the quintessential child Maggie, there never really was that magnificent portrait. So, now, I had a chance to do this thing right with Lucy.
I absolutely love the magnificent portraits of Lucy that we have hanging on our dining room walls. Each one captures a moment that quintessentially defines her. They are among my most valued an dprecious possessions and if I had the chance to bring one thing with me to heaven, it would be those photographs. Dream fulfilled, but I am afraid the girls’ memories of our photographic “adventures” does not quite match the joy I find in them.
I prepared such a gorgeous, also quintessential, nursery for Lucy’s arrival. It was truly a magical room. The walls were covered with high end Beatrix Potter wallpaper to match the Beatrix Potter theme. Stuffed Beatrix Potter animals, nursery linens, pillows, quilt, dust ruffle. We built a loft in the nursery to store my growing collection of gorgeous Steiff animals and Madam Alexander dolls. There was cubby area where we placed the rocking chair and the miniature rocking chair that perfectly matched the big one. It was in that very rocking chair that i spent long and memorable hours holding my little baby girl who I had waited so long for and prayed so hard for.
I remember the first night we decided to let Lucy cry. She had been getting up regularly at the same time for months in the middle of the night. Someone told us that all you have to do is let her cry it out for one night and she will sleep through the night forever more which is better for everyone’s health. It took us weeks to build up the strength to let her cry. It seemed so cruel, so Middle Ages. Babies need to know you are always there, they need to be comforted. Well, finally, we actually let her cry it out one night. It was painful. We almost broek down at least ahalf a dozen times and went in to rescue her. Somehow we made it through that first night and guess what???? Lucy never again woke up in the middle of the night crying…Our first experience with Letting Go.
I took Lucy to the local small town library, a picture perfect small town library at least once a week for Story Hour. There was a playground out back where we spent hours.
I loved my big navy blue English pram and used to walk Lucy down to “see the busses” on Cordaville Road. I recall one time trying to fit this huge polished and proper english pram in the car so I could take it to the beach and get pictures of Lucy in it in a different setting.
I felt that my childhood was deeply bereft of baby dolls. The day my mother gave away my most beloved baby doll has scarred me permanently. So, now is my chance to give my daughter all of the most beautiful dolls I could find.And baby dolls did she have.
I love Lucy and all the memories which can never be taken away.
